Melbourne Time

Click on your flag to translate

THE JOLLY FROG: Free speech meets basketcase. Hilarity ensues.



Friday, June 6, 2014

Airline Conversations

The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:

The second officer says, "Oh shit!"
The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
The captain says, "Hey, watch this!"



The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee ~ Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Great Uncle Stanley

The Johnson's were very proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. The Johnsons decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. They hired a fine author. There was only one problem - how to handle that of great-uncle Stanley, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author told them not to worry and said he could handle the story; tactfully. The book appeared.
It said, "Great-uncle Stanley occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

The "Eclectic Chair"


Friday, January 10, 2014

Airline Safety 2

A plane was taking off from Tullamarine Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 275, non-stop from Melbourne to London. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Economy yelled out, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


Monday, January 6, 2014

Religion

A new priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
...The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass."

So the next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

To Our New Curate - A Few Tips.
* Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
* There are 10 commandments, not 12.
*There are 12 disciples, not 10.
* Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
* Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
* We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
* The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
* David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
* When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
* We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
* When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
* The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
* The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God.
* Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Friday, December 6, 2013

The Job Referral Letter

December 6, 2013.

Re: Letter of Reference
To: Alistair Jenkins


To Whom It May Concern:

John Sanders, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. John works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. John never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. John is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that John can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that John be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.


Theo Clark, Branch Manager.


A second note following the report:


December 6, 2013.

Re: Letter of Reference
To: Alistair Jenkins


Mr. Sanders was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,.......
for my true assessment of him.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Two Dunnies

One of my favourite quotes from Crocodile Dundee was when Mick arrived in New York and was being shown his opulent hotel room. ON being shown the bathroom, he is confronted with two toilets. Amazed, he calls out, "Hey Sue, some nitwit's put two dunnies in here"
It just goes to show that humour can be gentle and doesn't need to rely on bad language or swear words.

Note: As the video clip is not a youtube one, I can only provide the link.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Tampons

Two young boys walked into the chemist shop one day, picked out a box of Tampax then went to the counter to pay. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight and a half," the boy answered. The man then said, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "No, not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for my brother, he's four. We saw on the telly that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike and he can't do either one."