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THE JOLLY FROG: Free speech meets basketcase. Hilarity ensues.



Saturday, November 22, 2014

42. The Case of The (Un)Feathered Chickens

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying.
 He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was a scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.



Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask.” In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers.

Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.



So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, “As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens.”
Hing agrees, saying “Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens.” The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation.

But it does not work.
Moral of the Story: “All of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’ ken couldn’t get gum tea to feather a hen.”

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

41. Why the rectum is the most important part of the body

THE BODY PARTS MEETING TO DECIDE WHO IS IN CHARGE

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said: YOU?!!
You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely!
You can't be in charge!"

So the rectum stopped working...
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly,
the stomach was all queasy,
the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery,
and the brain was all cloudy.

MORAL OF THE STORY

It only takes one arsehole to shut down a job and an arsehole is always in charge of everything.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

40. Potential and Reality

Young son asks his father: "Dad, what is the difference between potential and reality?"

Dad: I'll show you.
Dad turned to his wife and ask her: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million Dollars?
Wife answers: "Yes of Course! I would never waste such an opportunity to be a millionaire"

Then dad asked his daughter if she would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Daughter: "Wow! Yes Yes! I will, that's my fantasy"

So Dad turned to his elder son and asks him: Son, would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?


Elder son replied: "Yeah. Why not? Imagine what I could do with a million dollars!"

Then the father turned to his younger son and said: "You see son, we have the potential to make 3 million dollars, but in reality we're living with two tarts and a pouf."

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

39. Airline Safety 3


Isaac Asimov is said to have said, "I do not use airplanes. They strike me as unsporting. You can have an automobile accident—and survive. You can be on a sinking ship—and survive. You can be in an earthquake, fire, volcanic eruption, tornado, what you will—and survive. But if your plane crashes, you do not survive."
Smart thinking when you come to think of it.



Sunday, August 17, 2014

38. Famous words ...

No one, however smart, however well educated, however experienced is the suppository of all wisdom - Tony Abbott.


Friday, June 6, 2014

37. Airline Conversations

The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:

The second officer says, "Oh shit!"
The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
The captain says, "Hey, watch this!"



The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee ~ Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel

Saturday, May 31, 2014

36. Great Uncle Stanley

The Johnson's were very proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. The Johnsons decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. They hired a fine author. There was only one problem - how to handle that of great-uncle Stanley, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author told them not to worry and said he could handle the story; tactfully. The book appeared.
It said, "Great-uncle Stanley occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

The "Eclectic Chair"