26. Airline Safety

Things you do not want to hear when flying

Is that plane coming towards us?

 

Let me in!

 

The man entrusted to repair the plane

 

25. The Compliment

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding."
His eye is still swollen, but it will get better ...

24. A Question of Colour

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.

And you white people
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey

And you call me coloured?

23. There Was a Young Lady...

There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
She awoke in dismay
When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the top-sheet and spanker!"

22. Vive la France!

Napolean came home tired and weary, wet and wounded, and went straight round to Josephine's flat. He was shocked to find a pair of large gumboots on her front doorstep.
"Josephine! Josephine!" he called out. "What are those rubber boots doing out here?"

"They're not rubber boots," said Josie. "They're Wellington's."

21. Babies And Family Planning

Thinking of having children? Want some help in deciding? Then follow these few simple lessons before you book the obstetrician.

Lesson One
1 Pick up the paper.
2 Read it for the last time

Lesson Two
1. Between the hours of 5 pm and 10 pm, tune a radio to loud static and walk around the lounge room carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 6 kg.
2. Put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Between 12 and 1 am get up and walk around the lounge room again, with the bag.
4. Set the alarm for 3 am.
5. 2 am; Get up and make a drink so you can get back to sleep.
6. 2.45 am; Go back to bed.
7. 3 am; Get up, the alarm went off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Again, with the wet bag.
9. Set the alarm for 5 am.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Lesson Three
1. Smear peanut butter onto the couch and jam onto the curtains.
2. Stick your fingers in poo.
3. Rub them on clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.

Lesson Four
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang

Lesson Five
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into a crocodile.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
3. Take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball and an empty Coco Pops packet. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson Six
1. Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glove box of your car. Leave it there.
2. Get a dollar coin. Stick it in the cassette/CD player.
3. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect.

Lesson Seven
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "Mummy" repeatedly.
2. Leave no more than a four-second delay between each "Mummy".
3. Include an occasional crescendo of this sound to the decibel level of a supersonic jet.
4. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

Lesson Eight
1. Borrow a pitbull terrier.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbull in the seat.

Okay, now you're ready.

20. Letter from Grandma

Dear Daughter,


I'm gotten a little older since you last wrote, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Quite frankly, I've become a frivolous old gal - I'm seeing five gentlemen everyday.

Soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he's here he takes rather a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.


P.S. The local Parish Priest called the other day and he said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do Father, all the time. No matter where I am, in the lounge room, upstairs, downstairs, in the kitchen, or in the loo, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"


Love from Granma.