Melbourne Time

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THE JOLLY FROG: Free speech meets basketcase. Hilarity ensues.



Friday, January 10, 2014

Airline Safety 2

A plane was taking off from Tullamarine Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 275, non-stop from Melbourne to London. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Economy yelled out, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


Monday, January 6, 2014

Religion

A new priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
...The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass."

So the next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

To Our New Curate - A Few Tips.
* Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
* There are 10 commandments, not 12.
*There are 12 disciples, not 10.
* Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
* Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
* We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
* The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
* David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
* When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
* We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
* When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
* The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
* The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God.
* Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Friday, December 6, 2013

The Job Referral Letter

December 6, 2013.

Re: Letter of Reference
To: Alistair Jenkins


To Whom It May Concern:

John Sanders, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. John works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. John never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. John is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that John can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that John be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.


Theo Clark, Branch Manager.


A second note following the report:


December 6, 2013.

Re: Letter of Reference
To: Alistair Jenkins


Mr. Sanders was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,.......
for my true assessment of him.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Two Dunnies

One of my favourite quotes from Crocodile Dundee was when Mick arrived in New York and was being shown his opulent hotel room. ON being shown the bathroom, he is confronted with two toilets. Amazed, he calls out, "Hey Sue, some nitwit's put two dunnies in here"
It just goes to show that humour can be gentle and doesn't need to rely on bad language or swear words.

Note: As the video clip is not a youtube one, I can only provide the link.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Tampons

Two young boys walked into the chemist shop one day, picked out a box of Tampax then went to the counter to pay. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight and a half," the boy answered. The man then said, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "No, not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for my brother, he's four. We saw on the telly that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike and he can't do either one."

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Office Memo

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. However, we realise the critical importance of accurately expressing your thoughts when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, we have provided a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases so proper exchange of ideas may continue in an effective manner.


INSTEAD OF: .................................................................TRY SAYING:

1. You don't know what the f*** you're doing - I think you could use more training

2. She's a ball-busting b***h - She's an aggressive go-getter

3. And when the f*** do you expect me to do this? - Perhaps I can work late

4. No f***ing way - I'm certain that isn't feasible

5. You've got to be sh**ing me! - Really?

6. Tell someone who give a sh** - Perhaps you should check with...

7. It's not my f***ing problem - I wasn't involved in the project

8. What the f***? - That's interesting

9. This sh** won't work - I'm not sure this can be implemented

10. Why the f*** didn't you tell me sooner? - I'll try to schedule that

11. He's got his head up his a*** - He's not familiar with the issues

12. Eat sh** and die - Excuse me sir?

13. Kiss my a*** - So you weren't happy with it?

14. F*** it, I'm on salary - I'm a bit overloaded at the moment

15. Shove it up your a*** - I don't think you understand

16. This job sucks - I love a challenge

17. Who the f*** died and made you boss? - You want me to take care of that?

18. He's a pr*ck - He's somewhat insensitive


Thank you,

Human Resources.


Sunday, September 1, 2013

Are you lonesome tonight (Senior Citizen Version)

Listen to the sounds of Elvis ...