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THE JOLLY FROG: Free speech meets basketcase. Hilarity ensues.

Friday, September 16, 2016

52. P.C. Designated Job Titles

In the "good old days", people had jobs such as salesman, salesgirl, toilet cleaner, or a nurse or the bin man, a librarian, a teacher, if a lady was married and did not go "out" to work she was a housewife which snooty-nosed male bank tellers (they always seemed to be male), put down as "h.d.". When you went to open a bank account, the teller would ask what your job was, you would say you were married with children, then you got the dreaded "h.d.". I once asked what h.d. was and was told "home duties". Clearly you were of no value. Hmm....the world has come a long way since then.

A friend many years ago said when asked what her work was, would say she was a domestic engineer! I thought that was brilliant. Totally brilliant and adopted that myself. Of course, in today's politically correct narrow-minded little world, we have job titles such as

1. A worldwide marine asset financial analyst - an accountant.
2. Coordinator of interpretive teaching - a museum tour guide
3. A direct debit and membership and professional development stock and credit administrator – customer services administrator
4. Information adviser – a Librarian
5. Waste management and disposal technician – a bin man (you know, the chappy that empties your rubbish bin every week).

Some even more notable titles which might just have you guessing, what would be if you were a wet leisure assistant? Why, a lifeguard of course!

And if you worked as a modality manager? A nurse.

There is a vacancy going for an Investment development and research analyst. What's that, I hear you ask? Well my dears, that is a "Technical helpdesk worker"!

A mate worked as a family protection consultant – he was an insurance telesales worker - in other words selling insurance over the phone.

One of the most loved jobs would be working as a Debt management officer / Field force agent..... the tax man or tax collector.

Today's quote: Political correctness is about denial, usually in the weasel circumlocutory jargon which distorts and evades and seldom stands up to honest analysis ~ George MacDonald Fraser

Monday, September 12, 2016

51. Painting

There was a painter name of Andy who was a bit tight-fisted and always tried to make a penny where he could, so he'd often thin his paint to make it go further. He got away with it for some time, but the Church needed to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches. Andy put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

He erected the trestles and set up the planks, bought the paint and, yes, thinned it down. Anyway he was up on the scaffolding, painting (the job was nearly completed) when suddenly there was big flash of lightning, thunder, and the sky opened and it poured buckets.
The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Andy off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned paint.

Andy knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more

The Painting Job
One day, an out-of-work man knocked on the door of a home in an upper-class neighbourhood. The lady of the house answered. "Pardon me Missus, I'm out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting..."

"Painting?" the lady quickly asked.

"Oh, yes, Missus, I'm a very careful painter," the man replied, his face brightening realising she could offer him some work.

"I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out the back, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him.

"Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus."

"Oh yes, Missus, I'll do an excellent job!" He was told the paint was also around the back in the garage.

A few hours later, the man returned to the door.

"That was quick, did you do a good job?" the lady asked.

"Oh yes Missus, two coats! But there's something you should know," the man said.

"That's not a Porsche, that's a Mercedes!"

Painting the Dunny
A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country dunny, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom.

Panicking at finding himself neck-deep in crap, he shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief.

"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' who would have rescued me?"

Today's quote: Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh, "You can't be a great painter you have only one ear" And you know what he said? "I can't hear you!"

Friday, July 15, 2016

49. Horticulture

So Potentilla erecta walks up to Eriophorum vaginatum...

Did you hear about Annie Algae meeting Frank Fungus? They took a Lichen to each other.

Now I hear their relationship is on the rocks!

If you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter, you get Pumpkin pi.

Q. How does an old fern begin its stories?
A. Well, bracken the day.....

Q. Can you identify this brand of beer?

A. Swinus Americanus. Genus Sus.

Sedges, like hedges, have edges. Grasses, like asses, have holes

Sedges have edges, rushes are round and grasses have joints when the cops aren't around.

Two squirrels are sitting in a tree and they see a sapling on the forest floor. The first squirrel says, "That's a son of a birch".
The second squirrel says, "No, that's a son of a beech".

Quote of the day: With fronds like these, who needs anemones?

Sunday, March 27, 2016

48. Happy Easter - may your day be Eggs-citing

Wishing everyone an Eggs-ceptional, Easter, hope you have an Egg-cellent day full of Egg-citement and Egg-statica. Children are Egg-cited about the Egg-ceptional chocolate Easter Eggs they have, it is no Eggs-aggeration. Everybody will need to Eggsercise after eating so much Eggstraordinary Eggs.

The Easter Rabbit had a spat with his wife
She said the dumb eggs were ruining her life
Laying eggs is so boring
Then there's your snoring
He met his demise with her carving knife...

NOTE:..apparently she borrowed the knife from
the farmer's wife, who had been having trouble
with some blind mice.

Monday, February 15, 2016

47. Testing, Testing 1. 2. 3.

Testing, testing, 1 2 3
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because its bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Testing, testing, 1 2 3
Two men were in a clinic. One of them was moaning badly, the second man asked him the reason why he was whining so badly. The first man replied, "I had come for a blood test and they cut a part of my finger." The second man replied with a great amount of fright, "Oh no! I have come for a urine test!

Friday, September 25, 2015

Memorable Quotes

Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew - Harry Carpenter, after the University Boat Race 1977.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!” - Anon

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry.

The Duke of Edinburgh asked a British student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get eaten then?" - Prince Philip, 1998.

Friday, April 10, 2015

46. The luck of the Irish

"I’d like some nails," O'Toole requested of the travelling tinker. "How long would you like them?" asked the tinker. "Forever, if dat’s all right with you," said O'Toole.

"How far is it to the next village?" asked the American tourist. "It’s about seven miles," guessed the farmer. "But it’s only foive if yer run!"

Two Irishmen stopped by the police for jaywalking, Name ? said the sergeant to one,
O’Conner, says the first one,
Address ? says the sergeant,
No fixed abode says O’Conner,
And you. said the sergeant, looking at the other,
O’Brian, and I live in the flat above him…

Paddy was looking through The Bible in his hotel room when a leaflet fell from between the pages.
It said “if you have a drink problem ring this number”.
Paddy did, and he got an Off -licence in Royal Avenue…