Melbourne Time

Click on your flag to translate

THE JOLLY FROG: Free speech meets basketcase. Hilarity ensues.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Why the rectum is the most important part of the body


The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said: YOU?!!
You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely!
You can't be in charge!"

So the rectum stopped working...
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly,
the stomach was all queasy,
the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery,
and the brain was all cloudy.


It only takes one arsehole to shut down a job and an arsehole is always in charge of everything.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

40. Potential and Reality

Young son asks his father: "Dad, what is the difference between potential and reality?"

Dad: I'll show you.
Dad turned to his wife and ask her: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million Dollars?
Wife answers: "Yes of Course! I would never waste such an opportunity to be a millionaire"

Then dad asked his daughter if she would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Daughter: "Wow! Yes Yes! I will, that's my fantasy"

So Dad turned to his elder son and asks him: Son, would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?

Elder son replied: "Yeah. Why not? Imagine what I could do with a million dollars!"

Then the father turned to his younger son and said: "You see son, we have the potential to make 3 million dollars, but in reality we're living with two tarts and a pouf."

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

39. Airline Safety 3

Isaac Asimov is said to have said, "I do not use airplanes. They strike me as unsporting. You can have an automobile accident—and survive. You can be on a sinking ship—and survive. You can be in an earthquake, fire, volcanic eruption, tornado, what you will—and survive. But if your plane crashes, you do not survive."
Smart thinking when you come to think of it.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

38. Famous words ...

No one, however smart, however well educated, however experienced is the suppository of all wisdom - Tony Abbott.

Friday, June 6, 2014

37. Airline Conversations

The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:

The second officer says, "Oh shit!"
The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
The captain says, "Hey, watch this!"

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee ~ Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel

Saturday, May 31, 2014

36. Great Uncle Stanley

The Johnson's were very proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. The Johnsons decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. They hired a fine author. There was only one problem - how to handle that of great-uncle Stanley, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author told them not to worry and said he could handle the story; tactfully. The book appeared.
It said, "Great-uncle Stanley occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

The "Eclectic Chair"

Friday, January 10, 2014

35. Airline Safety 2

A plane was taking off from Tullamarine Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 275, non-stop from Melbourne to London. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Economy yelled out, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"