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THE JOLLY FROG: Free speech meets basketcase. Hilarity ensues.



Friday, April 10, 2015

46. The luck of the Irish

"I’d like some nails," O'Toole requested of the ravelling tinker. "How long would you like them?" asked the tinker. "Forever, if dat’s all right with you," said O'Toole.


"How far is it to the next village?" asked the American tourist. "It’s about seven miles," guessed the farmer. "But it’s only foive if yer run!"


Two Irishmen stopped by the police for jaywalking, Name ? said the sergeant to one,
O’Conner, says the first one,
Address ? says the sergeant,
No fixed abode says O’Conner,
And you. said the sergeant, looking at the other,
O’Brian, and I live in the flat above him…


Paddy was looking through The Bible in his hotel room when a leaflet fell from between the pages.
It said “if you have a drink problem ring this number”.
Paddy did, and he got an Off -licence in Royal Avenue…

Monday, March 9, 2015

45. A Son's Ten Commandments

1. Thou shalt always wear
CLEAN UNDERWEAR
in case thou art
in an ACCIDENT.

2. Thou shalt not telleth
SECRET TALES of thy youth,
for verily thy parents
are better off in DENIAL.

3. Thou shalt not destroy
NAKED BABY PICTURES
of thyself.

4. Thou shalt REMEMBER
thy parents' birthdays.

5. Thou shalt not holdeth
the PHONE away
from thine EAR
and thinketh
"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH"
while thou doth converse
with thy parent.

6. Thou shalt not sell thy
GIFT JUMPERS in sales of
JUMBLE, nor use them
as OIL RAGS in thy garage.

7. Thou shalt WRITE or CALL home
or DROP BY so thou mayest
keep thy parents in the loop.

8. Thou shalt not mocketh
thy relatives, calling them neither
"OLDIES" nor "WRINKLIES."

9. Thou shalt not avoid
FAMILY REUNIONS
by offering such false excuses
as "FISHING"
or "WASHING THY CAR."

10. On thy birthday thou shalt
CELEBRATE thyself mightily
for verily thou art a GOOD BLOKE
who DESERVETH a DAY OFF
from, yea, these many
COMMANDMENTS!


Saturday, March 7, 2015

44. Dingoes

There were two blokes in the outback camping, and they woke to see a dingo coming towards them. The first bloke said to his mate," Gee I'm glad I wore my sneakers."
His mate replied, "That won't help you outrun that bloody dingo",
First bloke says, " I don't need to outrun the dingo, I only need to outrun you."

Saturday, December 20, 2014

43. Wine vs. Water

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) --- the bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1kg of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.


Saturday, November 22, 2014

42. The Case of The (Un)Feathered Chickens

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying.
 He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was a scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.



Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask.” In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers.

Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.



So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, “As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens.”
Hing agrees, saying “Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens.” The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation.

But it does not work.
Moral of the Story: “All of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’ ken couldn’t get gum tea to feather a hen.”

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

41. Why the rectum is the most important part of the body

THE BODY PARTS MEETING TO DECIDE WHO IS IN CHARGE

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said: YOU?!!
You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely!
You can't be in charge!"

So the rectum stopped working...
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly,
the stomach was all queasy,
the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery,
and the brain was all cloudy.

MORAL OF THE STORY

It only takes one arsehole to shut down a job and an arsehole is always in charge of everything.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

40. Potential and Reality

Young son asks his father: "Dad, what is the difference between potential and reality?"

Dad: I'll show you.
Dad turned to his wife and ask her: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million Dollars?
Wife answers: "Yes of Course! I would never waste such an opportunity to be a millionaire"

Then dad asked his daughter if she would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Daughter: "Wow! Yes Yes! I will, that's my fantasy"

So Dad turned to his elder son and asks him: Son, would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?


Elder son replied: "Yeah. Why not? Imagine what I could do with a million dollars!"

Then the father turned to his younger son and said: "You see son, we have the potential to make 3 million dollars, but in reality we're living with two tarts and a pouf."