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THE JOLLY FROG: Free speech meets basketcase. Hilarity ensues.

Friday, July 15, 2016

49. Horticulture

So Potentilla erecta walks up to Eriophorum vaginatum...

Did you hear about Annie Algae meeting Frank Fungus? They took a Lichen to each other.

Now I hear their relationship is on the rocks!

If you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter, you get Pumpkin pi.

Q. How does an old fern begin its stories?
A. Well, bracken the day.....

Q. Can you identify this brand of beer?

A. Swinus Americanus. Genus Sus.

Sedges, like hedges, have edges. Grasses, like asses, have holes

Sedges have edges, rushes are round and grasses have joints when the cops aren't around.

Two squirrels are sitting in a tree and they see a sapling on the forest floor. The first squirrel says, "That's a son of a birch".
The second squirrel says, "No, that's a son of a beech".

Quote of the day: With fronds like these, who needs anemones?

Sunday, March 27, 2016

48. Happy Easter - may your day be Eggs-citing

Wishing everyone an Eggs-ceptional, Easter, hope you have an Egg-cellent day full of Egg-citement and Egg-statica. Children are Egg-cited about the Egg-ceptional chocolate Easter Eggs they have, it is no Eggs-aggeration. Everybody will need to Eggsercise after eating so much Eggstraordinary Eggs.

The Easter Rabbit had a spat with his wife
She said the dumb eggs were ruining her life
Laying eggs is so boring
Then there's your snoring
He met his demise with her carving knife...

NOTE:..apparently she borrowed the knife from
the farmer's wife, who had been having trouble
with some blind mice.

Monday, February 15, 2016

47. Testing, Testing 1. 2. 3.

Testing, testing, 1 2 3
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because its bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Testing, testing, 1 2 3
Two men were in a clinic. One of them was moaning badly, the second man asked him the reason why he was whining so badly. The first man replied, "I had come for a blood test and they cut a part of my finger." The second man replied with a great amount of fright, "Oh no! I have come for a urine test!

Friday, September 25, 2015

Memorable Quotes

Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew - Harry Carpenter, after the University Boat Race 1977.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!” - Anon

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry.

The Duke of Edinburgh asked a British student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get eaten then?" - Prince Philip, 1998.

Friday, April 10, 2015

46. The luck of the Irish

"I’d like some nails," O'Toole requested of the travelling tinker. "How long would you like them?" asked the tinker. "Forever, if dat’s all right with you," said O'Toole.

"How far is it to the next village?" asked the American tourist. "It’s about seven miles," guessed the farmer. "But it’s only foive if yer run!"

Two Irishmen stopped by the police for jaywalking, Name ? said the sergeant to one,
O’Conner, says the first one,
Address ? says the sergeant,
No fixed abode says O’Conner,
And you. said the sergeant, looking at the other,
O’Brian, and I live in the flat above him…

Paddy was looking through The Bible in his hotel room when a leaflet fell from between the pages.
It said “if you have a drink problem ring this number”.
Paddy did, and he got an Off -licence in Royal Avenue…

Monday, March 9, 2015

45. A Son's Ten Commandments

1. Thou shalt always wear
in case thou art

2. Thou shalt not telleth
SECRET TALES of thy youth,
for verily thy parents
are better off in DENIAL.

3. Thou shalt not destroy
of thyself.

4. Thou shalt REMEMBER
thy parents' birthdays.

5. Thou shalt not holdeth
the PHONE away
from thine EAR
and thinketh
while thou doth converse
with thy parent.

6. Thou shalt not sell thy
GIFT JUMPERS in sales of
JUMBLE, nor use them
as OIL RAGS in thy garage.

7. Thou shalt WRITE or CALL home
or DROP BY so thou mayest
keep thy parents in the loop.

8. Thou shalt not mocketh
thy relatives, calling them neither

9. Thou shalt not avoid
by offering such false excuses

10. On thy birthday thou shalt
CELEBRATE thyself mightily
for verily thou art a GOOD BLOKE
from, yea, these many

Saturday, March 7, 2015

44. Dingoes

There were two blokes in the outback camping, and they woke to see a dingo coming towards them. The first bloke said to his mate," Gee I'm glad I wore my sneakers."
His mate replied, "That won't help you outrun that bloody dingo",
First bloke says, " I don't need to outrun the dingo, I only need to outrun you."