22. Vive la France!

Napolean came home tired and weary, wet and wounded, and went straight round to Josephine's flat. He was shocked to find a pair of large gumboots on her front doorstep.
"Josephine! Josephine!" he called out. "What are those rubber boots doing out here?"

"They're not rubber boots," said Josie. "They're Wellington's."

21. Babies And Family Planning

Thinking of having children? Want some help in deciding? Then follow these few simple lessons before you book the obstetrician.

Lesson One
1 Pick up the paper.
2 Read it for the last time

Lesson Two
1. Between the hours of 5 pm and 10 pm, tune a radio to loud static and walk around the lounge room carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 6 kg.
2. Put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Between 12 and 1 am get up and walk around the lounge room again, with the bag.
4. Set the alarm for 3 am.
5. 2 am; Get up and make a drink so you can get back to sleep.
6. 2.45 am; Go back to bed.
7. 3 am; Get up, the alarm went off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Again, with the wet bag.
9. Set the alarm for 5 am.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Lesson Three
1. Smear peanut butter onto the couch and jam onto the curtains.
2. Stick your fingers in poo.
3. Rub them on clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.

Lesson Four
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang

Lesson Five
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into a crocodile.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
3. Take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball and an empty Coco Pops packet. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson Six
1. Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glove box of your car. Leave it there.
2. Get a dollar coin. Stick it in the cassette/CD player.
3. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect.

Lesson Seven
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "Mummy" repeatedly.
2. Leave no more than a four-second delay between each "Mummy".
3. Include an occasional crescendo of this sound to the decibel level of a supersonic jet.
4. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

Lesson Eight
1. Borrow a pitbull terrier.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbull in the seat.

Okay, now you're ready.

20. Letter from Grandma

Dear Daughter,


I'm gotten a little older since you last wrote, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Quite frankly, I've become a frivolous old gal - I'm seeing five gentlemen everyday.

Soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he's here he takes rather a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.


P.S. The local Parish Priest called the other day and he said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do Father, all the time. No matter where I am, in the lounge room, upstairs, downstairs, in the kitchen, or in the loo, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"


Love from Granma.

19. Loo Laughs - The Water Closet

In the days when you couldn’t count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom/toilet is commonly called a WC which stands for “Water Closet”.

She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC. The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a “Wayside Chapel” near the house . . . a bathroom/toilet never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.

My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster


The Woman fainted reading the reply ... and she never visited India!

18. Thai Fisherman's Pants

When wearing his fisherman's pants,
The chap noticed a line of bullants,
Climbing up the leg seam
Then as if in a dream,
The front of his pants did advance.

*
His fisherman's trousers were strewed,
By winds that left him quite nude,
Then a girl come along,
And unless I am wrong;
You expected this line to be lewd!

 

17. You're Never Too Old

This is really rather funny. Just because you're getting on in years and your saggy bits are hanging down around your knees and your wrinkles would do a world map justice, it doesn't mean you're over the hill.

So yeah all you grannies and granddaddies - get out there and sock it to 'em!

 

16. Ten Great Reasons To Be A Bloke

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
2. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
3. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
4. You can open all your own jars.
5. You're not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
6. You know stuff about eight-cylinder engines.
7. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
8. A six-day holiday needs only one suitcase.
9. If another bloke shows up at a party in the same outfit, who gives a damn?
10. It doesn't cost you as much for a haircut.

 

15. The Limerick At Large

Did you know that the Limerick in it's true form was never a sweet, prissy goody two shoes type of work? It was always bawdy and mainly about sexual organs and bodily functions until the 19th century when they were "laundered" - in other words clean!

Not for the Victorian woman should there be any breath of scandal, any touch of bawdiness (how vulgar), anything remotely to suggest dubious moral virtue - why even the legs of tables were covered with "skirts" - to have them uncovered was deemed "vulgar" and unseemly! And legs suggested sex. The prudish Victorian made prudery a fine art. Emotions were not shown, one never hung one's dirty linen out in public (what would the neighbour's think?)

And so we come back to the limerick. As I said earlier, the limerick is meant to suggest, to arouse, to have bawdy undertones. For example ~

The Limerick's an art form complex
Who contents run chiefly to sex
It's famous for virgins
And masculine urgins
And vulgar erotic effects

But alas, they were watered down and "laundered"

The Limerick packs laughs anatomical
In a space which is quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical

Then there was the one about the lady from Norway. Limericks are always or nearly always about a young lady from somewhere, or the young fellow from wherever. Anyhow, back to that young lady from Norway ~

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung upside down in a doorway
She said to her beau,
"Now listen here, Joe"
"I think I have just found one more way"

I'll leave you with this little one ~

Said an Argentine gaucho named Bruno,
"Three things about morals I do know;
Fornication's perverse,
Bestiality's worse
And chastity's numero uno"

 

14. The Four Corners

Back in the old days the local crossroads of a little country town was known colloquialy as "Damnation Corner" - Legislation, Temptation, Damnation and Salvation.
On each corner of the intersection stood four buildings -
The Courthouse (Legislation)
The Pub (Temptation)
The Brothel (Damnation)
The Church (Salvation)

You can guess which corner was the most popular...

13. Three Old Blokes

Three old blokes at the old people's home were sitting on a bench. A young female staffer walks by. The old bloke's eyes nearly pop out of their heads - she's a looker alright - great figure, big bazoomas, tight fitting T-shirt, mini skirt and legs up to her armpits.

The first old bloke says, "Ooh, I'd like to give her a kiss"
The second old bloke says, "Ooh, I'd like to give her a cuddle"
The third old bloke says, "What was the other thing we used to do?"





Did you know that in 64 years there are 33,661,440 minutes

12. Pelagia's Song - Captain Corelli's Mandolin

I have been searching just for Pelagia's Song. A beautiful piece of music - the music speaks so sweetly and invokes images of many different things to different people at different times - sometimes happy, sometimes sad, but above all a dreamy-like sense of reality. One can close one's eyes and inhale the sweetness with visions of a blue sky, beautiful green trees and lying on a hillside on the grass.

I would like to share this beauty with you

11. The Parenting Test

Feeling "clucky"? Been admiring the darling little niece/nephew? Thinking, "Oh, wouldn't it be lovely to have a baby"?

Wait, Stop - how do you know if you're ready to be a parent? It's easy - take the parenting test.

Lesson One
Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

Lesson Two - Night Test
1. Between the hours of 5 pm and 10 pm, tune a radio to loud static and walk around the lounge room carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 6 kg.
2. Put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Between 12 and 1 am get up and walk around the lounge room again, with the bag.
4. Set the alarm for 3 am.
5. 2 am; Get up and make a drink so you can get back to sleep.
6. 2.45 am; Go back to bed.
7. 3 am; Get up, the alarm went off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Again, with the wet bag.
9. Set the alarm for 5 am.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Lesson Three - Mess Test
1.Smear peanut butter onto the couch and jam onto the curtains.
2. Stick your fingers in poo. Rub them on clean walls.
3. Cover the stains with crayons.
4. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Lesson Four - Dressing Test
1. Buy an octopus - a live one of course and a small bag made of loose mesh.
2.Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Lesson Five - Shopping Test
1.Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you when you go to the supermarket.
2. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Lesson Six - Creativity Test
1. Take an egg carton.
2. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into a crocodile.
3. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper.
4. Using only sticky tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
5. Take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball and an empty Coco Pops packet.
6. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson Seven - Feeding Test
1. Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
2. Suspend from the ceiling with a sturdy cord. Start the jug swinging.
3. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Coco Pops or Fruit Loops) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an aeroplane.
4. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.


Lesson Eight - Travel Test I
1.Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glove box of your car. Leave it there.
2. Get a dollar coin. Stick it in the cassette/CD player.
3.Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect.

Lesson Nine - Hearing Test
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "Mummy" repeatedly.
2. Leave no more than a four-second delay between each "Mummy".
3. Include an occasional crescendo of this sound to the decibel level of a supersonic jet.
4. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

Lesson Ten - Travel Test II
1. Borrow a pitbull terrier.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbull in the seat.

Okay, now you're ready.

Edited to add: Final Assignment
Find a couple who have a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet-training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.